VICTIM OF MY OWN PRIDE

The glass of wine ,still full and now my desire to obey my thirst ,is killing my nerval  patience ,wondering whether or not it would be worth it , atleast for an hour ,or maybe a day out of my own sane way. Now all that my passion to stand ,breathe and maybe laugh, is cornered by the reality of life. I’ve been in my thoughts for an hour ,or more ,but it is becoming a way of life. I remember how my teacher used to tell me ,how important it is to use my creative thinking ,and later get home and my mum unique high end commanding voices echoed me to use my common sense. Now the common sense and the creative thinking have brought in a friend ,critical thinking ,and filled my mind with nothing but overthinking. They explained and ordered me to be that ,but it’s overwhelming my ability to be me ,to atleast laugh ,maybe smile ,even like a blink of an eye.

All this time I am sitted in the sitting room ,enjoying silent music ,and dancing to the rhythm of my heartbeat ,though not really dancing ,cause my mind is racing ,I guess the heartbeat is nothing not far from a workout song. Workout?  Yes, to get rid of all the unwanted facts of life ,casting all that the heart has been holding on to. Done with the metaphors and riddles ,I’ve been going through my diary ,Yes I have one ,and I write what’s in my mind ,weird I guess ,to find a man doing that from my kind of upbringing ,they say most men who notes their daily life on diaries might be serial killers ,fortunately I am not one ,not even associated with one ,which maybe I might have killed someone else dream in the long-run.

On this dated day ,My alleged girlfriend wakes me up in the middle of the midnight ,her voice so harsh ,and her tone so loud and sounds angry ,she is breathing heavily ,I think she can fire an air balloon ,cause my phone is overheating too. A message pops before she had called ,but before I could even open ,the phone rang ,for the past 5 minute she’s been mentioning only one statement, “ how could you? “ You’re wondering to what really was wrong ,me too ,cause the three-sentenced chorus is becoming more boring. I gathered my courage and asked, “ What have I done?” “Stop pretending you don’t know what you’ve done” could I be mad ,to even listen to lectures, but am hoping she’s just hungry, ‘A hungry man is an angry man.

As I can’t take the lectures ,I decide to keep my sanity busy ,am on to  checking the messages on my messenger ,see who’ve been missing my craziness ,And I can’t help to open the message from her ,and I see a photo ,of me actually never thought I was a cute guy on cameras ,I thought for a minute how my life would be magical ,being a model ,the good lifestyle ,the money ,the fame ,but the fame is where my pride draws the line ,Am an introvert ,thought you should know ,but they mention it always, never say never ,but that’s a dream for my next reincarnation I guess. This company should pay me ,am advertising their product already. I know you’re wondering what the photo is all about!

So this beautiful lady is helping me take a cake bite ,She is beautiful by the way ,I’ve always mentioned that to her ,but probably she turned a deaf ear to that amazing fact. I have a very weird flirting technique ,one I have developed with time ,thanks to her . What’s wrong with the photo? Why is my girlfriend making it a big deal? I refresh my mind to her call.” What’s wrong with the photo? I don’t see the wrong deal with my closest cousin giving me a cake ,infact I invited you to my parents anniversary ,and you bailed on me ,so what’s the point of complaining? “ She slowed her breathing, “ You could have told me ,atleast I wouldn’t have gotten that annoyed for no good reason, I didn’t know she was your cousin,” “ How many times have I invited you for my family gatherings ,and always you claim ,it will appear weird, these are the kind of issues I tend to avoid ,am an introvert out there ,but near my family ,am someone else ,learn that and have a goodnight! “

Immediately I hanged up ,the phone ,thoughts were still ravaging in my mind ,but for a minute ,I had a sign of relief. Why does she has to have all these insecurities ,whereas I have shown her all that she needs to know to believe I adore her? It’s high time I call this relationship off ,am done being the one  mending the cracked walls of our castle ,whereas she is the one causing them. I picked the phone and called her ,it is as if she was expecting my call,” We are done!” and I hang up. She tried calling me for hours I estimate ,even texting me ,but she preferred calling ,cause she understood better how I suck at texting ,unless am writing a letter.

I close the diary and am just wondering ,could I have been the reason for all my breakups? She was just securing her relationship ,making sure it was intact. Rather than  relationship ,how many friendships have I ruined in the name of setting ‘boundaries’ Am truly a total disaster whenever I go ,whatever I touch ,I really don’t deserve to be among people, I am just a burden to everyone around me. It was high time I acknowledge that and think of a way to mend it ,and the only solution is get out of the picture for good ,in a lame-man’s language, commit suicide ,but before I think of an idea of how to go about it ,I have to make sure no one is at home, wait, My sister has been in the bathroom for the last two hours or more. I believe that is very unusual of her ,she is in and out of the bathroom within the first five minutes ,she does not apply make up,she is definitely a natural beauty. I head to the door and knock while calling her name out ,but she was not answering ,and that  really worried me.

I hit the door wide open ,and all that welcomed me was a pool of blood all over the floor ,which in turn mixed with the shower water ,my sister was lying on the floor ,weak ,she couldn’t even talk ,leave alone move a finger. What knowledge of first aid did I have to even wrap a mere cut ,leave alone such a big deal of an accident ,but I wasn’t sure if it was really an accident. Who would I  even call ,cause the last time I checked ,I had sabotaged all my communication devices cutting all ties with everyone except my family ,though I was sure they had noticed my sudden change of character ,been avoiding everyone ,and am not sure if anyone was willing to help someone who for the past couple of days been avoiding them ,but I had no otherwise but to call my alleged bestfriend ,who happened to be my neighbor too . You are wondering why I couldn’t call my mother ,but here is the deal ,on the bathroom floor ,is my sister and on her wrist is a deep-cut wound ,one that was intentionally done by her ,so why would I call a single mother and tell her that her only daughter tried to commit suicide ,though am not sure if she will survive as I wait for my bestfriend ,her pulse is fading and is keeping me worried. I hope she survives ,cause I couldn’t tell what came into her mind to do something like that ,but I can’t blame her ,I was about to do the same thing ,Her situation saved me.

The paramedics were already at our house ,and they were doing their best to make sure she survives. In a fifteen minutes we were already in hospital ,she was now struggling to survive. Questions were just spinning in my head ,why would she do that? She’s very young to be stressed ,I would have thought ,but now I understand it well that ,we all have experience a mental breakdown ,no matter the age ,but I couldn’t now imagine ,if I had not realized earlier ,and if I had taken my final race ,the pain that my mother would endure ,loosing her only two children ,for what ,just because I couldn’t trust anyone to share my problems with? She had been taking night and day shifts just to make sure we stayed in school ,and we never lacked any. I am just a victim of my own pride.

My mother was shouting all over the hospital ,I could hear her from the rooftop where I had gone to get some fresh air ,and try understand the nature of the days scenario . What if I did what I had planned to do? How do I even approach my mother and tell her what’s going on with me ,is it because I fear she might just loudly  wonder what worries me ,whereas she is always providing everything we needed ? The truth rested on that fact though ,her voice was becoming more uneasy already. I am used to my mother exaggerating things ,I knew for sure she would not give the doctors an easy time ,now that her young and only daughter was struggling to live ,but I wouldn’t put it that way ,she was doing her best not to survive. I decided to go downstairs and try sooth my mother down. “  Mom! Please stop ,she’s going to be okay ,the doctors have assured me of that!” I exclaimed “ Are you even listening to yourself ,where have you been in the last twenty minutes?” She cried out, “ rooftop ,cooling my head a bit, why?” I emphasized, “Your sister is dead…”

 

 

WRITTEN BY ALEXANDER KIRUGA  alias ALEXANDER’S MINDKE