ALEXANDER'S MIND Part 2 : SELF-MADE MAD MAN

 

Everytime a rock falls,all that rings in our thoughts is the mountains are rolling down on us.How many times have I fooled myself,with the fact that I can do it on my own,actually I did,and had even extra space for everyone. I know I may sound insane,but I’ve had myself to lean on to,am sure you wondering how did I do that,a hug can do yes,but I need myself to believe in self before anyone does,and it isn’t easy actually,especially when you have a whole bunch of good deeds to offer to everyone. A prayer before anything,and the rest is just a process that takes self-respect as an antidote for peace of mind. We all work hard to get our lives to certain point,an ambition,a dream,a goal,unfortunately for some our journey’s end isn’t at the peak but I believe it’s  a lesson for some us not to repeat the same mistake to get to the peak of our highest mountains.

When you have yourself to worry about and even lean on,you have a lot to loose,the respect others would call it,but my view is you loose self-discipline. You believe in yourself more that even every life you help change,helps you change yours. How many times have felt like not getting out of bed,keep my phone off,eat not,in short,felt like doing nothing at all. When those calls come in,you just take a minute to get that fake smile settled on your face for the following conversation, All you will need to say,”all will be well!” words you’ve lived by,and you say it to everyone in return you get the inspiration they receive but in a reciprocated way.

On this wrecking day,In the house,pulled more hair from my head,and my floor is more hairy than your favourite barbershop,the water taste bitter,the food taste soar,the music sounds weird and the sleep seems impossible, for hours I try to distract my thoughts into Hollywood movies,actually some anime, a favourite one did; Boondocks, but an episode doesn’t run half-way before boredom gets the better part of my feelings,and I pause it,with no sleep or music I have myself to talk to,others may call it insane,but a favorite musician would quote as ‘thinking out loud’ and wishes are if I was just dreaming and reality kicks it with how hot the sun is,you can tell from the shirtless chest and sweating forehead,and am still in my own hand-made cage,or in lameman’s tongue,in my house,so it won’t change anything if I go out,it will only make it worse. I comfort myself with several cups of hot coffee,I couldn’t feel the heat anymore as far as my mind gets busy wondering why it was so sweet. I share my thoughts and feelings to my cup,and we both laugh it loud. Several hours has passed and no calls,I guess if you don’t call they won’t call,how desparate can a human get to waste time in a war of self-respect,and I just laugh it out more. I actually am not okay,and this call comes in;and the response I have is the same old song I sing everyday,Am good and smile,but my head is spinning in thoughts,pain ravaging my mind in deceptive reality,and I remind myself I still have myself to lean on to,and for others to lean on to remember.

I taught myself to trust my issues with myself growing up,when a shield turned into sharp arrows that pierced through a desperate heart. It wasn’t late to turn away and pick up the pieces and build a strong wall characterized by what the world would thing talking too much,but it has always been a tactic to make them think they know everything but they only know what I allow them to. It has taken years to even date again,cause how do I let in anyone while I have locked myself out too and misplaced the keys. It is a world full of misfortunes and there is no time or space for a weak man. So years I have collected the stones that came my way and build the walls more taller,and now no man can reach to my other side of reality,and as it is the norm, drink the bitter water,eat the soar food,listen to the weird music and fake the midnight sleep.and before all that,spice it with a prayer,and the cycle becomes the story of the lonely  ,or what the world would say; ‘Self-made Mad man’